This new book chronicles my story of healing from slavery and extreme abuse (darkness) to where I am now – in the light. It is the first book of its kind written to give experience, strength and hope to those who are struggling with healing from abuse and trauma. I have come from the many “darks nights of the soul” to where I now make a stand on extreme abuse, mind control, human trafficking, along with other abuses.
Excerpt from Freedom
By Kim Kubal
“Love all, serve all”
Sai Baba, Avatar
This book is written to give hope, inspiration and love to those who need it the most. Those in particular who have suffered from extreme abuse and trauma, mental illness, addictions, PTSD, DID, psychic attack, to name a few. It is a book of recovery and optimism. It chronicles my own journey of bondage and slavery to freedom including freedom from human trafficking, satanic ritual abuse, mind control, torture, human experimentation, mental illness, psychic attack, to name a few. These are subjects not freely spoken about or acknowledged by the media, by most mental health professionals, the Government, and satanic cults, as well as the “false memory syndrome” folks. Indeed, most of the public refuse to acknowledge this exists, it is far better to live in denial than face the fact that “darkness” exists.
I focus now on the positive, the new Kim, having been through countless “dark nights of the soul” to emerge triumphant and victorious. These major obstacles can be overcome with persistence, determination, courage and fortitude and a belief that the “light” will win. The “light” being the Divine, and being one of love and service to others as a “light worker.”
This book may be triggering for some, so please take care, either seek help professionally, talk with another kind soul or put the book down if unable to read further. It does include some details, however, the details are there to guide the reader from the darkness to the light.
My guru and avatar, Satya Sai Baba teaches the path of love and has said repeatedly, “to love all as you love yourselves, and prosper by love. Then no harm can come to you. It will only spread joy and happiness to all. God is present in all beings as Love.” I have been guided to write this book and all I am is an instrument of the Divine.
I suffered eighteen long, torturous years of severe sexual, physical, spiritual and emotional abuse at the hands of my mother, father, grandfather and others. As a direct result of this trauma and abuse, I showed no emotion, wanted love so badly and yet, confused love with abuse. I suppressed all the feelings and memories, developed self-destructive behaviors, as well as twenty addictions ranging from alcoholism to over-eating. In order to deal with the addictive behavior, I attended many Twelve-Step Programs and worked the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous in all programs.
Because of the severe trauma and abuse, I spent most of my childhood and adolescence fragmented and out of my body. I don’t have many memories of my childhood, teens and early adult life, because I wasn’t “present” for much of it. It was safer for me not to be present, not to feel, as many of the events unfolded and occurred. Although the Divine was always there helping me by dissociating myself from my body. I can clearly remember the angels taking me away and saying one day “you will escape from this.”
I needed to escape, rather than feel the abandonment, rejection, betrayal and even hatred directed at me. It wasn’t safe for me to feel. I couldn’t tell you my feelings. Even looking back now, I’m not sure what I felt, if anything, at the time. Instead of feeling the loneliness, desperation and self-hatred I experienced, I was just numb. As I grew up, I learned to escape my body and uncomfortable feelings with multiple addictions and self-abusive behaviors – food, sugar, alcohol, drugs, and relationships.
Later on, I descended into a deep depression, clinging to my therapist and the many 12-Step programs I was in. I prayed every night for God to take me, even as I experienced the horror of flashbacks and other symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). During those early years of recovery, I felt alone and isolated. I developed physical problems that didn’t make sense and were only later identified; one diagnosis was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), a condition not well understood and a diagnosis viewed with distrust by many physicians. I learned about Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and how it applied to me. I wanted to give up many, many times, but somehow I held on.
I seemed to intuitively know that my salvation depended upon finding a spiritual path of healing. I started spiritual counseling to overcome my concept of an abusive God, which was based on what I learned as a child – that God hated me, would abandon me and I would end up on the streets homeless with no one to take care of me. I had so much rage toward this Higher Power. What kind of God is it, I thought, that allows such terrible abuse, that permitted the perpetrators to destroy my soul, my body and mind! It wasn’t until after many years of professional therapy, 12-Step recovery and spiritual nurturing that I realized God cannot stop free will, even if it’s the will to do evil.
I started working the Twelve Steps of AA in order to free myself from the many addictions and destructive thinking, but also to change my patterns of behavior. The changes occurred over a period of time from accepting my addictions to realizing that only a Higher Power can heal me. I also painfully looked at my past, what I had done to hurt and harm others, and then made amends to others, where necessary. This was not easily done, particularly with my family! In working the 12 Steps, each day I need to look at my behavior, admit when I am wrong and apologize. I need to develop a deeper life of prayer and meditation and furthermore, I need to practice these principles in every area of my life. This was a completely new and different way of life for me, where I started to rely on a Higher Power to guide, protect and love me.
Through the early trauma and abuse and the subsequent healing over many, many years, I have learned to “turn my will and life over to a Power greater than myself.” I have developed a profound relationship with the Divine, where now all I am is but an instrument of the Divine through which He works – an instrument of love and service.